#incorrect jk

[wondersimp]

*Someone asks Dick to pass the salt*

Damian: …Grayson, how do you tell apart someone addressing you by the name ‘Dick,’ from one who is insulting you by the genitalia word ‘dick?’

Dick: …Well, um

Jason: He can’t.

Dick: What no, of course I-!

Jason: *maintains eye contact* Trust me, You. Can’t.

Dick: *stares* How often are calling me a Dick and not my name?

Tim: *without looking up from his phone* Oh, it’s usually used synonymously.

Dick:

Damian: I see. *goes back to eating*

Dick: *mentally questions every time someone’s said his name*

[fever-dreamer97]

Izuku, phone ringing: Oh guys, you’re in luck. Dynamight is calling.

Students, excited:

Izuku, answers and put him on speaker: Hey Dy-

Bakugo: DEKU! A MOTHERFU*KING VULTURE FLEW OUT AS I WAS DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD AND NOW MY WHOLE WINDSHIELD IS DESTROYED, THAT FEATHER BASTARD FU*K!! *hangs up*

Izuku:

Students:

Izuku, whispering: Why are you calling me, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?

[ffaelix]

tim doesn’t lie. he just... adjusts reality until everyone else starts questioning themselves instead of him. (his words)

it always starts small.

“you said you were going to take a break,” dick says, arms crossed, already sounding exhausted.

tim doesn’t even look up from his coffee. “i did.”

“no, you didn’t—”

“you just weren’t there when i did.”

dick hesitates. he’s been in the cave for hours, watching tim work non-stop. he knows tim didn’t take a break. but the way tim says it—so casual, so confident—makes him pause. what if he did miss it? what if tim took a five-minute nap when no one was looking? what if—no. no, tim’s just doing the thing again.

and the thing is, he’s at his worst when he’s sleep-deprived. steph once watched him convince cass that he had, in fact, slept the night before. cass had literally been in the same room as him the whole time, keeping an eye on him. it should have been impossible to argue with that. and yet, ten minutes into the conversation, cass was just standing there with a furrowed brow, staring at tim like she was starting to believe she had imagined the whole thing.

the injury cover-ups are just as bad.

“you’re injured,” bruce says, because tim is standing there bleeding.

tim doesn’t even blink. “no, i’m not.”

damian scowls. “you are limping.”

tim lets out this long, exasperated sigh, like they’re the problem here. “okay, but like—define limping.”

jason’s the only one who calls him out directly.

“you gaslight like a pro, man.”

tim just blinks at him, all innocent. “what? no, i don’t.”

“you’re literally doing it right now.”

“wow. that’s actually kind of hurtful, jason.”

and now jason’s just staring at him, trying to figure out how the hell he became the bad guy in this conversation.

the worst part? tim doesn’t even do it on purpose. in his mind, he’s not lying—he’s just adjusting the truth so it makes more sense. if reality has to bend a little to fit his version of events, well. that’s not his fault.

[umblrspectrum]

getting in that spooky spirit

[tylovingkit]

Harry meeting his dad in the afterlife: Dad!

James: oh, my boy!

*very paternal hug*

Harry: I'm so happy to finally see you!

James: yeah, me too! I'm definitely not annoyed by the fact that you fell in love with a Slytherin seeker boy who's the heir to the Black house and had an enemies to lovers with him until he got the mark and broke up with you so then you married a redhead and had a son that fell in love with another Slytherin boy, heir to the house of black!

James: I'm not mad, it's just constructive criticism. Like. You're not very original bro but okay, don't worry, I'm not upset!

Harry: dad what the actual fuck

[born-to-riot]

Cassian: Azriel, Two truths and a lie, who would you fuck if you had the chance?

Azriel: alright bet.

Rhys: Give us three names and we’ll guess which one is the lie.

Azriel: option one, Hybern’s headless corpse

Cassian: woah, woah, woah bro WHAT—

Azriel: option two, bryaxis

Rhys: Azriel what?

Cassian: HOW DARE YOU?

Azriel: and finally option three, Eris Vanserra.

Cassian: …

Rhys: …

Azriel: tell me brothers, which one is the lie?

Cassian: …

Rhys: …

Cassian: I…

Rhys: I think it’s better off if we don’t know.

Azriel: suit yourselves 🤷‍♀️

[5-pounds-of-carrots]

p sure the plot of mdzs went something like this??

[mydarlingdearestdead]

@olivers-cocoapuffs 103 per request

James: Mum, I'm dating Regulus now and-

Effie: You couldn't have found anyone better?

James: But Mum! I love him!

Effie: I was talking to Regulus.

James:

Regulus: The store was sold out of everything else

[whorebughaze]

[simsim54]

McGonagall: okay get into pairs McGonagall looking at Ron and Harry: SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR FRIEND Harry to Ron: do boyfriends count? Ron to Harry: do soulmates count? Ron: MY LOVE Harry: MY SWEETHEART McGonagall: *sighs*

[28ms28]

its been a while since i did lestappen text posts so here you go

all other parts here

[madou-dilou]

Harrow is so ungrateful.

[dudazzita]

✿.⠀⠀⠀ 정국⠀⠀⠀JK⠀⠀⠀𓇼⠀⠀⠀MAN⠀⠀⠀ 🪐

[cod-dump]

Visitor (teen!Ghost au)

———

*a sunny weekend day at the Price house*

Price: *reading at the kitchen table*

Teen!Ghost from outside the kitchen window: Daaad! There’s a weird cat outside!

Price: What?

Teen!Ghost: OH THAT’S NOT A CAT-

Price, running outside: What’s going on- Oh!

Kid!Roach: *hiding in a bush in the back of the garden*

Price: Uh-

Teen!Ghost: Dad, he’s been sitting there the whole time I’ve been out here

Price: I’ll call Phillip

Kid!Roach: *runs out of the bush and towards teen!Ghost*

Teen!Ghost: *shrieks*

Price: SIMON-

(Later)

Teen!Gaz: We’re home!

Nik, walking in behind him: Who’s car is that in the drive- Oh… hello

Phillip, sitting in his chair in the living room: Gary found his way back over here

Nik: … okay

Teen!Gaz: That little bug kid??

Price: Kyle! That’s rude

Teen!Ghost, from the bathroom: DOES HE HAVE HIS SHOTS?? HE BIT ME

Teen!Farah: Stay still and let me clean it!

Price: Let me see- When did this happen?!

Nik: … what happened when we were gone?

[tylovingkit]

James "consuming all the air inside my lungs, ripping all the skin from off my bones, I'm prepared to sacrifice my life I would gladly do it twice" Potter and Regulus "I'd let the world burn. Let the world burn for you" Black are beautiful

but

can we talk about how beautiful are James "I'd let the world burn. Let the world burn for you" Potter and Regulus "Consuming all the air inside my lungs ripping all the skin from off my bones I'm prepared to sacrifice my life I would gladly do it twice" Black ??

[ermdotorg]

part twenty trillion: ft. blood, sweat and tears.